Garozzo’s has been around for 22 years. I know right? I haven’t done anything for 22 years…. except play with my junk and bar tend. But this place has been the STAPLE for Italian food in KC. Everyone has heard the owner’s raspy voice on the radio clamoring for people to come to his restaurant during any or all holiday’s on the AM channels between sports talk banters harping on the Chiefs. But the Garozzo’s 3 blocks away from my home  in OP is too good to pass up for a try…. so what the fuck. Like I’m not going to give that a swing.

At Garozzo’s I walked in to order to-go at the bar and immediately wondered if I was late to my own wedding. It’s 2012… lose the tuxedo shirts and ties…even for chicks it’s weirder. The staff wears the most ridiculous black tux pants and matching shirts, you know the ones with ruffles worn by the prom date that you should have pepper sprayed, plus a bow tie, (and there coming back if you play in the NBA), and the icing on the cake….suspenders. Did the producers of any movie made in the 70′s have a garage sale they and didn’t call me…. on my home phone that I don’t have, cause in the 70′s there was no texting, facebook,…. OK you get it. Anyway I walked in with plaid shorts and a T-shirt…. way under dressed for a Monday. But never the less I was hungry. I ordered the Spiedini di Pollo which is chicken wrapped in breading then topped with olive oil and seasoning which came with a side of pasta with a nice red sauce. Their side salad is extra, but worth it. Most places when they make it to-go for you they put the  salad in the box and put the dressing on the side. And they should! But there is something about Garozzo’s salad that being drenched in their dressing makes it soooooo good. I also asked to add one meatball ( cause I heard they were incredible). Well… good news first…. that salad was as good as advertised, and they sell the dressing in stores. The best side salad I have ever had! Bad news… my entree, from the picture that I gave to my readers, looks like someone Italian….. or just some crack head took a shit on my fettuccine. And that was SUPPOSED to come with linguine, per the menu. Although it tasted great. I actually love anything in olive oil. But this meal was so heavy with in that you can actually see the oil try to fight it’s way out of my to-go box. I am a fat kid… but that was TOO fucking much. I think the cook making it maybe saw that it was to-go and went OOOPPSS with the olive oil and then HA HA. I also ordered one meatball just to see how it was and I don’t know because I never got it. It never made it into my box. “That’s what I said”.

However the bartender that waited on me was one of the most professional people I have ever been served by. That guy is all class. As is most of the staff at Garozzo’s.

Carmen’s Cafe however dressed to impress with just their food. I called in my order for my first time at this new hot spot and was happier than a ex-Chantix user that just started smoking again. Love this place! I ordered Maggies Pasta and the scallops app. My order  also came with a wonderful Caesar salad, not as good as the Garozzo’s salad by miles… but very good. Who ever Maggie is, she is a genius. That pasta was better that Andrew Luck’s families Christmas this year. GOOD. The scallops were even better. They where at least 3 inches in diameter and did not have the weird muscle attached to it that some restaurants miss when the chef doesn’t separate it. Plus my scallops were sitting in a divine sauce that I can only describe as euphoric. And they were perfectly cooked as only a great chef can do. Those scallops were so good I wish I had not eaten them, but took them up stairs, put them on my Temperpidic mattress, and spooned them. I really want to have a serious relationship with that appetizer.

A big plus is that Carmen’s Cafe is just as reasonable price wise as most other Italian places like Carabba’s and Macaroni Grill. Better value than Garozzo’s and a way better product.

WINNER- Carmen’s Cafe

Garozzo’s-3.5 plastic forks

Camen’s Cafe-4.5 plastic forks

Evolution has unfortunately not helped us all yet with gratuity. Ask your self , as a follower of mine, this question…. if you are married, or in some kind of a relationship that you are not bending another girl over a barrel and showing her the 50 states, or women… playing with your guys balloon knot and convincing him that he’s not gay, that when you get dinner made by these significant others…. do you trust them and thank them in some intimate way…. or in any way?

The absolute rule is you do not ever mess with someone that handles your food or drinks. Now DO NOT MISS UNDERSTAND ME HERE.. I have NEVER in my life ever messed with anybody’s food because of a tip or their shitty personality that makes me sad to look at them…except for that one rude guy that called in a pizza at 10:58 pm. and we closed at 11:00pm. I was 16 then and impressionable…. and tired. Sorry to that douche.

Here is what I do on tipping for to go food. If I call it in to a establishment then just pick it up…. 10% at the least. Cause really… what did that person do for me? Besides hand me the fucking bag. But they did take some time out of their day to help me and answer the phone before my droid died from angry birds, so 10% is good. Even when I go to Sonic to troll for high school girls, JK, I tip that hottie at least 10%… cause she probably didn’t cook it but she brought it to my car on skates and didn’t fall and bite the curb like in American History X. Job skills!

Now, if I come come and sit at your bar and take up space and your ear to order… then 15-25% More if you offer me a soda while I wait, but don’t ask me if I would like a soda while I wait… and then charge me $2.69 for a diet coke. When the fuck did the price of soda mirror the rise of gold and silver? Does that diet coke have panda semen in it? Maybe i’m getting old but I remember a day not too long ago that a soda costing NOTHING…because it was a great distraction to a guest while they waited for their take out food. So if you get charged for soda at all…. I say 10% tip. Unless of course you can talk the bartender into putting Franklin and Bash on a TV near you with CC, then you can just lose time.

Now your tip should reflect not only the service but how they leave you equipped. You may not know until you get home. DUMMY! How many times have you gone through a drive-through for fast food ( no names) and got home felling like you just got fucked like Joe Pesci. Always check your bag for the correct utensils and condiments that you require and asked for. There is no shame in saying “Can I get a extra side of ranch?” That shit is like crack or gold at some places. Some people mainline the blue cheese from Coach’s strait into the vein.

But seriously, I get take out enough to know if you don’t tip the person handling the food… then I might not want to go back. Rephrase… shouldn’t go back. Every review that I have done to date on to go food has a lot to do with the service. Sometimes the great service is KEY and sometimes it’s like I just asked Jessica Simpson to spell something like “THE”.  And I get a blank look from the staff….which I am used to. I have had great service before and tipped over 20%, then got home and the food was so fucking bad that my ass jumped the gun and pooped as a preemptive strike. I have also been 3 sheets to the wind, drunk out of my fucking mind, got to go food, and tipped on my whole tab 40%. $75.00 booze- $14.00 to go food for the way home…and I remembered every delicious , palate pleasuring, God realizing, made me want to be a better person, forced ejaculating bite. One great example… the scallops appetizer from Carmen’s Cafe. That app. made me want to add Casey Anthony as a facebook friend, follow her for two days or so, and then miss place her. But… that review is for next month.

Just be sure to tip.

No plastic forks… not a review.

And here we go. I never call ahead at Kyoto….mainly cause there is a language barrier. I keep meaning to get Rosetta Stone for Japanese but I keep spending it on booze. Here you want to order it all from the bar. They usually give me a free diet coke while I wait which is a plus for me and a nice act of kindness for the waiting patron. But… if you order to go food at a bar in the middle of this recession and don’t get a complementary soda while you wait you should tip less, maybe not go back there for the  great service that you just missed out on, and then take a dump on the bar.  One glass of soda costs .04 cents a glass. It shouldn’t be too tough to win a guest over and still turn a profit if the bartender can keep his/her head out of his/her own ass for 20 min. Anyway if you order at the bar you can see the whole menu, better than the online one, and mark all of the things you might want to try for the first time. I wish call girls were like that. There is a hibachi menu and a sushi/sashimi menu to chose from. I went all hibachi on this day.

I ordered what I always get…. KC strip medium and shrimp for about $ 24.00. But with that price you get sooooooooo much more. Although in Vegas with a tranny this math will not apply. But with my dinner I got a small salad with a wonderful ginger brown dressing that made me almost want to donate money to the ” That was not Godzilla that destroyed your country fund”. I actually started that fund and I am happy to say to date….there is $4.00 in it. Oh well the salad was great and so was the miso soup. They said the soup was made of chicken stock with mushrooms and scallions. Here is what I think… It was made from the vaginal secretions of Megan Fox. And that shit was good as fuck….. I think if we as a country, the US, bottled a couple and sent it to China….. problem solved. If they tasted some of that wonderful elixir they would forgive the debt we owe them. Just a thought Obama….I know your reading this cause you comment on my reviews. Anywho…. my take out also came with a bonus, just like if you ate it there at Kyoto, shrimp appetizers in the Kyoto special sauce to which they would not disclose the ingredients but it was very tasty. All I can say is it was pink and mind-blowing.

The main course was cooked to perfection. My steak was medium as asked and the shrimp were pink and plump like two great tits on $10.00 touch night at Chrome.  There were two accompanying sauces. One was a brown horseradish for the meat and the other was something yellow that made the shrimp POP in my mouth. Kyoto also accompanies their entrees with a butt load of stir fried veggies. Zucchini, sprouts, mushrooms, and something else delicious that I can not recall.  If you ever have the privilege of dining with them or taking it home,  pony up the extra $2.50  for the fried rice…it’s the best in town. This was one of the biggest meals that I have ever eaten on my own, but also one of the best ever.

Some of my readers might thing that getting hibachi from Kyoto to go kind of cheats you out of the experience of really being there and seeing the knife show, or catching shrimp in your mouth for everyone at your table to watch, and  even having the chef make fun of you. These all are all the best aspects of eating out in our great city. But if you have ever been out to dinner with a ex- wife or girlfriend, or just want a quiet dinner at your coffee table with a nice 2005 pinot noir, or maybe just to get a quick bite before you run upstairs to masturbate and sob loudly with a belt around your neck…. Kyoto is great for to go food…. no matter what your situation.

Kyoto in Overland Park gets 5 out of 5 plastic forks. Everyone has stars or some thing stupid like $. I’m going with plastic to go forks. Write it down.

My next review will be a short one on when or when not tip on to go food and all the ins and outs of gratuity.

So… here we go!

Panera Bread…. you better look the fuck out. There is someone smaller than you that puts out a wayyyy better product. Ingredient is not fooling around. The best salads, the best soups, the best sandwiches, and pretty OK pizza. This place makes Panara Bread look like they just won valedictorian of summer school.

I got three item there. The first was the chopped salad, also available in a half portion, which comes with the house dressing which is a cross between Italian and unicorn cum. It was great. It had mixed greens, pasta, blue cheese crumbles, and grilled chicken. The portion by its self was enough to fill me up so I only tasted. The rest goes back in the fridge for that one night I am wasted and want to be healthy. The second item was french onion soup. This soup was so good Gordon Ramsey would have been speechless. Real onion soup topped with real cheese layed on top like a warm blanket of heart stopping goodness.  The third item I got was a chicken sandwich whose name escapes me. Maybe because  it was my least favorite thing I got. The chicken was cooked perfectly and the cheese was nicely melted all over. I usually take most of my sandwiches apart and put them back together like I worked there and gave a shit. Seriously, how many sandwiches have you gotten, like a club, and all the good stuff is piled up in the middle. So after one bite of each of the four club peices, your left with just bread and shame cause you just paid $8.00 for that. Every sandwich made anywhere, listen up kitchen workers, spread out all the good stuff. Stop piling it all up in the middle for some visual effect that my wallet can’t take and my palate fucking hates. So… here is were my great sandwich turned good  at Ingredient. It also had julian green apple on it. Probably could have done with out that. You kind of screwed up a good thing. That’s like getting a BJ from a super hot girl and then she puts her finger in your B-hole. Wait…. This was going really good. If it ain’t broken don’t fix it. Apples are for pies. Your fingers are for grabbing me a beer. In addition, the pasta salad I got as a side with my sandwich was very good. It was much better than you can get at a great deli.

There is also a no tipping policy at Ingredient which is clearly posted as are all of their daily specials. The staff is very professional and expedient. I waited 10 min. and I was on my way home. The salads are around $8.00, soups $5.00, and sandwiches $7.50. I have actually gone back 4 time since and will continue to. Bye bye Panrea Bread… you had a nice run.

Ingredient 4.75 out of 5.0

On a side note with my team being in the kickball playoffs and starting again in the summer I will probably do one new review once every 3-4 week. I promise to never go over a month without one again. Thank you all.

Well I’m here to tell you… all the anxiety is worth it. I can’t even fathom phoning in my order. Can you imagine what that conversation might be like? “HAY, MAY I HELP YOU?! HELLO? ARE YOU READY?” Me- “ummm.?” Them-”WELL FUCK YOU THEN. GO TO DICKEY’S.”. So I braved it and ordered at the counter, after about 8 minutes of looking.  I was fucking terrified to ask a question, but I was really kind of drunk, so I did. I asked her what was the difference between long ribs and short ribs. She was actually very nice and explained it. For those who are not cookout geeks and BBQ gurus, short ribs are the end of the rib of the cow. Long ribs are….longer I think. My good friends that cook BBQ a lot a going to verbally rape me for this.

Anyway I ordered the long ribs cause that sounds like it has more meat than the short ribs. Right? And the guy in the kitchen even made eye contact with me and ask if I wanted sauce on my ribs. Nice touch here. Take fucking notes Dickey’s owners. I said hell yes, and they were very moist and had a lot of meat on them. I also ordered a side of potato salad and coleslaw. You know I think the sides make the meal all come together with BBQ. And those sides were so fucking good that I wanted to call Gates back and ask” Where did you get these glorious side dishes….Narnia?”. But she would have just yelled at me and hung up. In addition I also got a ass load of dill pickles, which I love.

They apparently run there restaurant in a no lid zone cause they just Saran wrapped all my food individually and bagged it. I was like a phantom, it and out in just minutes. I didn’t even see them put in adequate napkins, which you need with ribs or a bath towel, not a used one either, and plastic-wear. While saving so much money

under the bottom line with no lids and using Saran wrap I bet I could get extra BBQ sauce and some ranch if I needed it. If you work high up in the Hooters’ corporation….please read this or go to Gates and get to-go food. Gates does it right.

Gates in KCMO on State Line. 4.6 out of 5.

I never call in an order to Red Lobster because… 1. I like to decide there( the menu is vast). 2. I like to see the bartenders make 1000 frozen drinks, wait on people who don’t tip or have them transfer their tab to a table. Then I  thank GOD that I work where I do. By the way, these bartenders at Red Lobster are the hardest working and under appreciated MFer’s in the business. I came in on the Sunday before Valentine’s Day and it was busier than the free clinic after a NASCAR event was in town. It was a very diverse crowd too. I had to wait 20 min. just to find a seat at the bar to order take-out. I didn’t really want to squeeze in between two people with marinara covered fingers and HUGE glasses full of strawberry something to say ” can I place a to-go order?”. I’ll just wait it out. Trying to get a seat at this bar on that Sunday was tough, I felt like a midget at a urinal… I had to keep on my toes and be ready.

So I finally took my seat and placed my order. I ordered the New England sampler, which is my favorite appetizer on the menu. 4 bacon wrapped scallops, fried clams, and 4 lobster stuffed mushrooms…. mind-blowing. It tasted so good I wanted to put my dick in it. I also got the wood grilled lobster, shrimp, and scallops that comes with two sides and a salad. I asked for broccoli, a baked potato, and a salad with blue cheese. Once again….very good food. Try to remember, for you new readers, that if I’m dining out at a restaurant I would be having a bottle of something that ends in Rothschild and eating on a white table-cloth not at Red Lobster. But for take-out, they do it right. The lobster tail was cooked perfectly and came with plenty of melted butter. The scallops were seasoned well and melted in my mouth much like my skewered shrimp did. And do we even need to go over the cheddar biscuits?? Don’t they go without saying? NO! They are always great. Eating one of those…. the felling is euphoric, like free basing bacon. There are only three things that are so good that no one else can ever recreate them but the original. 1. The Coke-a-cola at any McDonald’s. It tastes better than Coke that you could get anywhere else. 2. The BJ’s from the last girl I drove away, and 3. The cheddar biscuits from Red Lobster.  My mom, three years ago told me that she had got the recipe for these little nuggets of joy and would be recreating the masterpiece on Thanksgiving. Worst family holiday dinner ever. Don’t get me wrong… they were good, but not the same at all. It had all the hype of getting a scratch off lotto gift from a dick of a friend, just to scratch it off to see you won $5000.00. Then you find out it’s a fake. I wanted to kick my mom in the uterine area. I was so disappointed that the turkey and everything else seemed mundane and shitty too. Sorry mom for the verbal onslaught of vulgarity that my brother and I subjected you to that day. And thus she never tried that recipe again. Good. Even the Bristol has tried to make them…. crash and burn mavrick, but they do have a good brunch. Back on track, my salad way good too. However the salad could have been a little bigger or put in a bigger box. It’s really hard to dress your salad when it’s in a box the size of your wallet.

Much like Hooters’ the bartenders here will go through your order with you when it arrives and after you and the bartender check it they will have you sign off on it. He/she will hand you their copy of your check for your signature to verify that you agree that your order is correct. This is genius because it is a preemptive strike to keep people from going home and making up a story that they are missing an item or two. Red Lobster puts the accountability back on the consumer, and I respect that. Seafood ain’t cheap.

So, great value and seafood in the immediate area for to-go food. Whatever you order you win. And not just because of the cheddar biscuits. My order was around $30.00 and tipped 20% for the outstanding service.

Red Lobster in Overland Park, KS. 4.5 out of 5.

Enough about why not to eat there, let’s talk about what they do great. This place does take out food like a very good NASCAR pit crew. Fast, friendly, and meticulously without having to watch 500 left turns. I walked in to order instead of calling it in. The bartender was very friendly and hotter than any waitress I have ever had. She offered me a drink while I waited, but thanks to my previous poor decision-making and the wonderful city of Overland Park I declined and just had a diet coke.

Some people will tell me that I’m nuttier than squirrel shit but I think Hooter’s has the best wings in town. Which if you get them to-go it totally makes up for all of their other gimmicks and shortcomings as a company. I ordered on that day 12 wings in hot sauce, which is like a good medium at other places, and 1 lb. of steamed shrimp. The wings here are very meaty and the sauce is great without being greasy or dripping all over your sofa. The shrimp always taste fresh and they are big and plump like the first boobs I saw in 7th grade.

Over all the food was great and traveled very well. But, here is the catch when getting take out from Hooter’s… the condiments. They will ask you if you would like ranch or blue cheese, I said blue cheese, and you will only get ONE. Now I usually need dressing to take some of the hot bite out of the sauce and complement the chicken. Here the wings are great just the way they are. However I still love to dip and ONE pre-packaged blue cheese isn’t going to fly. That’s like getting up in the morning, or afternoon for me, and trying to get the last little bit of hair stuff out of the jar to fix your dome and not quite having enough. Then you just say fuck it and put a hat on. If I can’t do it right that I don’t want it at all. So always ask for more dressing, but it will cost you(.50). I love celery too with my wings and that was extra also(.50). The shrimp was amazing but you only get one cocktail sauce, another one is .50. Eating shrimp with out cocktail sauce is like having sex with your hand…It’s good but it could have been better. Like with a girl or at least HER hand. So I always get extra condiments but, I’m waiting for the day to come where they tell me it will be $1.00 extra for the to-go bag, or I can just carry out the boxes to my car and bungee cord them to the passenger seat. I’ll probably pay the dollar, hot sauce kind of conflicts with my new-used car smell.

One other thing Hooter’s does great is when they present you your order. They take everything out of the soon to be ” $1.00 bag” and open every box for you to see your order to make sure everything is correct and as advertised. Great idea!! More restaurants should take the time to do this. Take-out diners are a growing market and directly affect the revenue of a bar/restaurant. If an establishment screwed up a to-go order 10 years ago they would say”oops, sorry.”. Now no one can afford to take an order over the phone for granted and half ass putting the order together. What a great way to NOT make your customers want to return. When Hooter’s does show your order, that is your opportunity to gauge whether you may want to UP the condiment count a little. Good Job Hooter’s!

My order was about $22.00 altogether with all the dressings. I tipped her $4.00 for the great to-go service and I enjoyed every bite of it. Remember you restaurants in Kansas City… I’m watching you.

Hooter’s in Overland Park, KS. 4.0 out of 5.

So this was my 2nd visit to Dickey’s since they opened in Overland Park. My first visit there was lunch with friends and I was not impressed. But after numerous people with a respectable palate boasted about how great their BBQ was and what a great value it is I had to give them one more chance for to-go.

I walked into Dickey’s on a Wed. at noon. They were relatively busy for a week day lunch. I waited in a short line to order my take out. I did not call in my order because I was interested in how they would take care of me “on the fly”. It took me about 10 min. to decide, so I let some guests go ahead of me before I ordered. Then finally I decided on the two meat plate, consisting of pork ribs and brisket, but I chose the chopped not sliced brisket. OOPS! Like the many Germans in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, I chose poorly!! We will cover that soon enough. Continuing, I could also pick 2 sides from a plethora of choices to accompany my to-go order….so I got three. Just to let my readers know… I like, not love BBQ meats, but I do love the sides. I am a self acclaimed aficionado of sides from  restaurants like these.  I love potato salad, coleslaw, sweet potato fries, (Dickey’s doesn’t have them but they should) and BBQ beans. This is probably the only reason that I go to BBQ places… for the sides….SERIOUSLY. So when I ordered from Dickey’s I got the staples that everyone should get. Potato salad, coleslaw, and mac and cheese, the last might be uncommon for some people at a BBQ restaurant but totally worth it.

Let’s start on a good note…with the sides. Fucking Amazing!! The best potato salad and coleslaw I might have ever had. The mac and cheese was not like your mom used to make at all because this mac and cheese makes your mom’s mac and cheese seem like she shopped at ALDI, with the poor people, and just added water to that shit. This mac and cheese was the bomb. Unfortunately, the serving size of the sides are small and just enough to give you a taste for goodness  and remind you that you should have ordered them by the pint, that’s 16 oz. to the lay person. I might go back there just for the sides. They would go great with BBQ take-out that I will get somewhere else.

My two meat plate was a disappointment like I was to my high school counselor when I told her I just wanted to be a bartender and have sex with a lot of girls. Well…advantage me! The brisket, which I should have got sliced because it might have been better and held more flavor, was dry and tasted like saw dust that someone urinated on. Also I got four pork ribs that I witnessed the employee take out of the oven in saran wrap, then they cut them, and put them in my to-go box. I can only guess that my pork ribs were from last night and re-heated… or from last March because they were tougher that getting a strippers real name at Bonita Flats on a week day at noon.  And I have tried. My mouth felt like I just bit into a old leather dress shoe, and not a expensive one like Prada but a shitty one that T J Max might sell for $20.00. So, I am not a fan of their meat.

And so those of you that may get to-go at Dickey’s anyway… here are some things you should know. At most BBQ places you get a lot of dill pickles in your to-go box. Not here. They don’t put them in your box. You actually have to go find them. There is a small and undisclosed place where they are hidden. Insert clitoris joke here. I only found them because I filled up my Dicky’s cup that I bought, which if you bring it back in you get free refills. This is great if your at home and think to your self ” hey, I might want some substandard BBQ with great sides, HUMMM… I better grab my Dickey’s cup to save $3.00. I found the pickles and I loaded up. The pickles are good but the employees might not tell you where they are because it’s a secret. The worst secret is the BBQ sauce. No one told me to get some sauce at the station next to the free ice cream, which is great if you have to dine in and have kids because you left it in too long. So I took my bag of to-go food home and had no BBQ sauce at all. While eating my lunch I felt like Ryan Reynolds in the movie Buried. It was DRY!!!

Over all the sides were a win, the meat was a….not so much. I did not tip the person at the counter because they are not a server or a bartender, and they make $8.00 per hr. Although you should always tip on your to-go food, especially when you are using car side. If you don’t I will find you.

Dickey’s 3.0 out of 5.0

Elephant Bar 4.5 out of 5.

Calamari

Elephant Bar's Jambalaya

Garlic toast